


Hear the Heart of a Broken Soldier

by Confused_Em0



Series: Tell me you’re mine and I’ll let you breathe. [4]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Address of past actions and behaviour, Angst, Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Guilt, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Insecurities, M/M, No Smut, Regret, Self-Blame, Talks of possessive behaviour and subsequent regret
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-15
Updated: 2015-10-15
Packaged: 2018-04-26 12:12:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,163
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5004352
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Confused_Em0/pseuds/Confused_Em0
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tony discovers Bucky on the rooftop of the tower after days of feeling like the soldier was withdrawing away from him. He finds out why.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hear the Heart of a Broken Soldier

**Author's Note:**

> This does not have to be read, as the previous installment was the conclusion of the story. I just had to write this for my own sanity.

  
  
“Hey…”  
  
The soldier’s head was still turned away, where he was sat on the rooftop facing the now somewhat quieter streets of New York, in the middle of the night, when Tony came to take a seat next to him.  
  
The movement caused Tony’s shoulder to brush against Bucky’s and the dread that had begun to eat away at him these past few days, hit Tony hard, when Bucky flinched at the contact; the fact made worse when the soldier immediately stiffened in an attempt to mask the reaction.  
  
Despite the churning in Tony’s gut at the display, he was worried even further when the contact made him realise just how chilled the other man’s skin was; Bucky dressed only in a simple t-shirt and jeans. He must have been up here for a while – probably having discreetly pulled away when the other Avengers had returned from a much needed outing.  
  
“…Buck?” This time Tony made sure Bucky saw the contact coming – even though he still hadn’t fully turned to acknowledge Tony – lifting his hand slowly to place it against the soldier’s cold cheek; thumb rubbing along the surface back and forth.  
  
“You’ve been out here so long, I began to miss you.” The stiffness in Bucky’s muscles didn’t ease up, despite Tony’s ministrations to provide some form of comfort; if anything Tony could feel the soldier withdraw further into himself, as if the touch to his skin left an unpleasant burning trail in its path.  
  
Tony felt like he was going to break down right then and there. He hadn’t wanted to acknowledge it then, a few days after they had brought Steve back home with them, but it was clear now that Bucky was indeed withdrawing away from him.  
  
The ex-sergeant had been overjoyed, nearly brought to tears, when Steve had finally opened his eyes, but the relief and contentment that that outcome had manifested seemed to ebb away as the days progressed, slowly becoming replaced with an overhanging form of melancholia.  
  
The sometimes creeping sadness that would settle around Bucky now seemed almost suffocating, overwhelming in its presence around the soldier. This revelation was made worse when Tony realised that Bucky’s demeanour changed significantly when Tony was around.  
  
Tony recalled the day, not too long ago, when he had felt the soldier’s eyes on him from across the room; Tony’s gaze shifting to acknowledge the man, when the disgust he had seen in those steel-blue eyes had almost left him reeling, especially when Bucky had immediately existed the room.  
  
Tony had then, put it down to his imagination – assuming he had read the situation entirely incorrectly – but now…  
  
“Bucky…?” Tony tried again, despair and concern barely repressed in his tone. God, what would he do if Bucky had begun to have doubts? How was he going to cope, if he were now to see repulsion instead of love in those eyes? But in all honesty Tony couldn’t figure out exactly what was happening and why? “Are you alright, my star? What’s happened?”  
  
Tony had almost expected Bucky to pull away, get up and leave without an explanation; what he had not expected was for the man’s breath to falter as he finally turned anguished eyes to look back at Tony.  
  
Tony felt as though someone had sucker punched him right in the diaphragm when he saw his soldier’s expression; eyes glassy and heavy with sorrow.  
  
“Tony, I’m…” The engineer immediately pulled the ex-sergeant into a hug when Bucky raised a hand to reach out to him, the man faltering in the process as if unsure if the touch should be allowed.  
  
Tony could scarcely hear himself think when Bucky’s body shook in his embrace; the soldier pulling forward to wrap trembling hands around Tony’s shoulders.  
  
Tony unlinked one of his hands to card gentle fingers through Bucky’s loose hair. “Darling what’s wrong? Tell me what I can do to help. You know I’ll do anything, just talk to me.”  
  
They sat there for a few moments, Bucky hugging Tony close to him, almost desperately, his body shivering in the process. The dread began to spread through Tony now, settling in his sternum when Bucky started speaking. “I’m so, so _sorry_ Tony. I should have, I should _neve_ r have… _God_ I can’t believe I…” The man’s words broke on a sob as he desperately tried to hold himself together.  
  
Tony felt confusion seep into the swarm of emotions he was currently feeling; eyebrows drawing together as he focused on Bucky’s words. He eventually drew himself back a little, in order to pull Bucky’s face away from the crook of his neck to look at him. “Why are you apologising, my star? You haven’t done anything wrong.”  
  
That seemed to make matters worse as Bucky immediately jolted away from Tony as if shocked. Bucky sat there shaking for what felt like an eternity to Tony; the engineer feeling entirely helpless and every bit afraid as he watched the man break down in front of him. “Bucky, sweetheart, please talk to me. Is it something I’ve done? Have I – ”  
  
Tony immediately paused when Bucky frantically shook his head, dragging the back of his arm across his eyes to wipe away the gathered tears. “God Tony, none of this is _your_ fault. All of this.... All of this is on me and me alone.”  
  
Bucky remained positioned away from Tony, shivering where he sat, as he tried to get his breathing under control.  
  
Tony felt as though he was going mad, unable to help Bucky when all he wanted to do was to gather Bucky in his arms and hide him away, protecting him from all the bad in the world.  
  
When Bucky seemed to regain some semblance of control over his person, did he raise his darkened eyes back up to look at Tony; fear and uncertainty now present in them, enough to suddenly throw Tony.  
  
“I want you to know Tony… I _pray that you know_ that I would never, _never_ , hurt you. You have to believe that. _Please_ just…”  
  
Tony tried to reach out again, but had to still his hand when Bucky moved further back to avoid the would-be touch. Hurt took a hold of Tony’s heart in a vice-like grip at the action.  
  
“Of course I know that sweetheart. I know it without a shadow of a doubt. Why would you possibly – ”  
  
A choked noise escaped Bucky’s lungs then, which the soldier tried to talk over. “Despite anything I may have said in the past that may have suggested otherwise, I would never try to control you. _Never_. Just the thought alone, it… it… it makes me sick to my stomach to think that – ”  
  
“Bucky, what? –”  
  
“No,” Bucky shook his head again. “No, please, I… just let me say this.”  
  
The soldier seemed to struggle with his words, still not quite able to meet the engineer’s eyes when he spoke again. “Tony I’m afraid… I’m so afraid. That I could loose you forever and I…” The pale fingers of Bucky’s hands started trembling before the ex-sergeant squeezed them into fists to hide them.  
  
“With Steve – I know he’d never leave me. I trust him completely. There’s no doubt in my mind that he’s going to be by my side no matter what. Even if we were to simply remain friends. Till – till the end of the line.”  
  
Tony felt as though someone had doused him with ice-cold water. “And you don’t think I will?”  
  
Bucky’s voice caught on a wavering breath; his eyes large and frightened. “I trust you Tony, but I’m afraid… I was afraid – that someone would come along and whisk you away or that you’d never care about us, _me_ , in the same way and you’d… you’d just leave, disappear and I…”  
  
“With Steve, it’s different… People don’t….” Bucky shook his head in frustration as if fighting an inward battle.  
  
“When it comes to you… I see people and how they are around you Tony. Some of them with ill-intention and want and greed, thinking that if they can get close enough, they could control you.”  
  
The absolute look of disgust that morphed Bucky’s features did nothing to calm the increasing panic the engineer was beginning to feel. “But God… I’m no different, am I?”  
  
Tony surreptitiously inched a little closer to the soldier, desperate to provide some form of comfort, to have any form of contact. He also hated himself in that moment for not having shown the other man just how much he cared about him sooner. Bucky would not have had any reason to second guess himself.  
  
“Bucky… You’re not… You have to know that that’s not gonna happen. I’m here now. I’m not planning on going anywhere.”  
  
“That’s just the thing,” Bucky exclaimed almost hysterically, “I got so jealous… that I let my irrational emotions cloud my sensibilities – my fear, anger, insecurities, they all just, just completely took over.  
  
“It’s a fact that I’m protective of the people that are important to me. I want them around and I want them safe, but with you… I seemed to have entirely missed the mark of just protectiveness, reaching over to realms I’ve never been to before.”  
  
Bucky finally turned around fully once again, to face Tony; full lips slightly chapped from the cold, brows drawn together, eyes red-rimmed and skin sallow. The grip on Tony’s heart got tighter.  
  
“I love you Tony… I love you so much that I can’t seem to think straight at times. I’m not going to lie, I do get jealous; I honestly can’t help it… But Christ, to let that manifest into a form of controlling behaviour… I’m just – ”  
  
Tony was gobsmacked by the revelation. _That_ was what Bucky was beating himself over? What in the hell was going on?  
  
“My life, you’ve never been controlling. Jesus, Bucky where is all this coming from? You never forced me into doing anything. You haven’t dictated how I should live my life. A lot of what went down between the three of us had a lot to do with _me_ and my goddamned insecurities. The way you reacted was justified after everything I did. For all intents and purposes, I lead you on. It was my decision to get with you and Steve that night, you did not tie my hands behind my back and _coerce me_ into anything, and it was my decision to let my insecurities get in the way and pull away from you.  
  
“As for jealousy, it’s a form of emotion that _everyone_ experiences, my star. Because we’re all human. Even I get jealous. And after everything I put you through, it’s only understandable why you would be sceptical, to put it mildly. You did not do anything I did not consent to.”  
  
Nothing of what Tony was saying appeared to be making any difference to the soldier however.  
  
“You have to know Tony that I’d never force you to do anything you didn’t want to. Even if it… Even it meant that you would choose someone else, would choose another life, I won’t,” the soldier’s voice completely broke at the admission, “I _can’t_ get in the middle of that.”     
  
“God what have I done?” Tony heard himself speak in open bewilderment. “I’m so sorry that you feel this way sweetheart. I chose you Bucky, I want to be with you. I’m going to prove that, even if it takes the rest of our lives.”  
  
Bucky remained undeterred in his self-hatred. “But I can’t help but feel that I took it all away from you. And after everything Hydra did to me, I can’t believe I would ever turn into a person that might take away someone’s freedom to make their own choices. That I co- could,” Bucky withdrew into himself, bringing his knees up to his chest, his voice shattering.  
  
“Bucky, you’ve never done that, my God.”  
  
“You’re honestly telling me that you never considered a life with Dr. Tanner?  
  
Tony winced internally, never having intended to have this conversation. “That’s not… It’s not important now.”  
  
Bucky let out a broken noise. “Now? That’s it though, isn’t it Tony? Steve and I took that away from you.” The soldier rubbed his hands across his face, almost in a manic way, as if trying to scrub away imaginary dirt that just wouldn’t come off.  
  
“Now… Now that I’ve had actual time to think about things, when the world no longer feels like it’s falling apart all around me, with Steve awake and you safe, I’ve realised exactly what I’ve taken away from you.  
  
“You could have had it, your peaceful life, away from the madness of this one, you could have been safe, _happy_ ,” tears began rolling down the pale face; the man haunted by punishing thoughts, as Bucky once again struggled to keep himself together. “I took it from you.”  
  
Tony gathered Bucky into his arms again, wrapping his hands around the soldier’s neck from behind.  
  
“My heart, _you_ make me happy. Of course I thought about the simple life with Marissa, considered it, almost gave into it. There were countless opportunities for me to act on that possibility Bucky. I _chose_ not to. I couldn’t do it. I didn’t love her.  
  
“I thought in time I might have been able to, but when I sat with her in that hospital room waiting for Steve to get better, I knew there was no chance. There never had been one. I meant it then and I mean it now James Buchanan Barnes. I love _you_. I choose you. I’m yours. Now and forever. _My_ decision. At no point did you make that for me.”    
  
Bucky’s eyes squeezed shut into a look of complete self-loathing. “God that poor woman. I have been nothing but unkind to her… and after everything she’s done. She’s the reason Steve’s alive and I treated her so unfairly even though nothin’ was her fault. She has feelings just like I do and I chose to make mine take precedence over hers. What gave me the right? That I could claim you? You’re not a possession Tony. You are your own person first, before ever belonging to anybody else. I don’t own you and I certainly don’t tell you what to do. The thought that I could ever make you feel like you didn’t have a choice is not only abhorrent but absolutely repulsive.”  
  
“Oh my soldier, just what have you gone and gotten into that head of yours?” Tony held the other man close as Bucky hiccupped into his arms; pressing a kiss to the crown of Bucky’s head. “If it makes you feel any better, Marissa isn’t a person to hold grudges. She’s kind and understanding in a way nobody else is.”    
  
Bucky rubbed his cheek along Tony’s arm, attempting to quieten his breaths. “She’s a better person than I’ll ever be.”  
  
Tony placed a kiss to Bucky’s hair again. “She’s a better person than most people. But if you want to appease that conscience of yours, you can apologise to her yourself, yeah?” Bucky nodded slowly, pulling Tony’s arms tighter around him, as if they could provide him protection from the outside world.  
  
Tony had to smile at the childlike gesture; the engineer pressing his face forward into Bucky’s hair, inhaling his scent.  
  
“So does this mean you’re going to be nicer to Loki now?”  
  
Bucky rested his chin on Tony’s arm. “I don’t think I was ever really jealous of Loki. I just don’t trust him. After what he did to Clint and well, the rest of the world, I just… Not a big fan of the whole mind-control thing. But then like you said before, he was a victim to it too.  
  
“Again, I was just scared that he was going to end up having control over you somehow,” Bucky shook his head as he struggled with his thoughts once again. “Back to the control thing again…Sorry I’m…” The soldier shifted in Tony’s arms slightly before taking a deep breath. “For now, I owe Loki your life and so I owe him mine.” Tony’s insides felt all tingly at the admission as he sat wrapped around Bucky. “If you trust him, then that’s good enough for me.”  
  
Tony gave Bucky’s arms a grateful squeeze.  
   
They remained in that position for a few silent minutes as Bucky’s body began to calm, before the man spoke again, his voice almost a whisper. “I don’t want you to ever feel like you don’t have your own freedom Tony. If I ever do anything that makes you uncomfortable, you have to let me know immediately okay?”  
  
Tony nodded behind Bucky, rocking them a little where he sat wrapped around the soldier. “If I’m entirely honest…I kind of like that you get jealous. Apart from it being incredibly hot when you go all caveman possessive, it shows that you care.”  
  
“Don’t even joke about that.”  
  
“I’m not,” Tony smiled into Bucky’s neck, placing another kiss there. He considered his next words carefully. “Would you really be okay if I left?”  
  
Bucky immediately stiffened in his embrace. It was a long while after when the soldier replied. “Honestly? No… But it would be a thousand times worse, would probably _kill_ me if I knew that the only reason you stayed was because I made you. I love you Tony. I want you to stay with us because you want to, not because you felt pressured into it. I’m sorry if I ever made you feel that way.”  
  
“I know sweetheart, I know. But if I have to accept your apology then you have to accept mine –”  
  
“But –”  
  
“No buts,” Tony silenced the soldier with a stern refusal. “I have to accept responsibility for where we ended up and quite clearly, for how you feel now. You wouldn’t be in this state had I just been honest with my feelings right from the beginning. But knowing you, you’d probably beat yourself up for one reason or another.”  
  
Before Bucky could interrupt again, Tony continued. “But I acknowledge that this is important to you, my star. So I need you to know that I accept your apology and that I’m also sorry for how things ended up. Do you accept mine?”  
  
Bucky didn’t seem to want to concede to the fact that Tony had any apologising to do but eventually deflated in Tony’s arms, muscles loosening, as he let out a quiet, “I accept.”  
  
“Good,” Tony nodded against the soldier’s back, before finally loosening his embrace in order to turn the other man around to face him. He had to lift Bucky’s chin up to meet his eyes where the soldier had his head ducked, hiding his expression behind the curtain of his hair.  
  
“No more pulling away okay? We have to always talk about how we feel before those feelings get away from us and turn into something ugly.” Tony reached over to brush back the stray hair that attempted to fall into the openly expressive eyes; the engineer feeling somewhat relieved when he noticed that the emotion in them was no longer that of absolute despair.  
  
“I don’t ever want to loose you Bucky,” Tony admitted, feeling his chest tighten as he rested his forehead against the soldier’s, “I get jealous too you know, so I understand. But overall, I get where you’re coming from. The idea that you might have pushed someone into doing something they never wanted is horrible.”  
  
Tony’s mind drifted to Bruce from the days of Ultron and he had to suppress a shudder at the thought. “Especially when you’ve been a victim of controlling forces, yourself. But it’s also equally important for you to know that I have not, not even for a second, felt that you or Steve have coerced me into anything. Hell, that big lug even apologised to me immediately when he felt like his behaviour was even a little out of line. And I haven’t apologised for more. I mean after everything I confessed to you in that hospital room all those days ago, the fact that I don’t hold you responsible for anything, should have been obvious.  
  
“Still… I don’t think you’re controlling and I certainly don’t consider you a horrible person for having insecurities that are justified, after everything that’s happened between us. Like I said before, I’m going to spend however long it takes, proving that to you. I wouldn’t love you as much as I do if you were all those awful things, my star. Do you see now?”  
  
Bucky nodded slowly, bringing his flesh-and-blood hand to wrap around Tony’s nape.  
“Thank-you,” he whispered in the space between them. “Thank-you for choosing me and forgiving me. I don’t know what I did to deserve you but –”  
  
Tony silenced the man by placing a chaste kiss to his lips. “I hope that was okay? But no more self-blame for tonight please.”  
  
Bucky nodded once again, before pulling Tony’s face forward into another kiss, this one lasting a lot longer, as Bucky desperately hung onto to Tony, wrapping his metal hand around the shorter man’s waist and drawing him into his chest.  
  
They pulled apart for a fraction of a second before Bucky soared down, capturing Tony’s lips with his own, again and again. “I missed you so much,” Bucky breathed against Tony’s mouth, hand shifting to Tony’s hair to give Bucky better access. “I hated being away but I couldn’t be around you without feeling like the scum of the earth. I’m sorry; I know Steve was worried too.”  
  
Tony pulled away after a final kiss to Bucky’s lips. “Hey now, I thought we were done with the apologies?”  
  
Bucky ducked his head again. Tony sighed before getting to his feet. They had been here for a while now and Bucky’s body was still a little chilly. It didn’t help that Tony’s body ran a lot cooler now with Extremis and Loki’s magic.  
  
Bucky had been avoiding them these last couple of days, Tony more so than Steve, refusing to sleep together with them, making half-assed excuses like the bed was uncomfortable, choosing to sleep in his old apartment instead. Steve _had_ in fact started to get worried but seeing as the Captain still managed most of active Avengers duty, he had been caught up with that responsibility while Tony had noticed Bucky’s withdrawal more keenly.  
  
Tony offered his hand to the still seated ex-sergeant, coaxing him to finally remove himself from his position on the rooftop. “I won’t hesitate to pick you up and carry you in if I have to soldier.” That earned Tony a small smile so he definitely counted it as a victory. Especially so, when Bucky reached over to clasp his hand in Tony’s, before Tony hauled him up and right into his arms; Bucky’s eyes widening in surprise at the action. “Hi there,” Tony grinned at him before placing a small kiss to his cheek. “Didn’t think I was capable of that, didja?”  
  
The answering smile Tony received made his strengthened heart skip a beat. Bucky Barnes was too beautiful for his own good.  
  
Tony schooled his expression into a faux deadpan one. The one he had learned from Steve, the Sass Monster. “We _could_ stay out here all night and stare at the clock tower. I mean it’s a pretty interesting clock tower – ”  
  
Tony sucked in a lungful of air when his feet left the ground and he found himself lifted into the arms of a much happier looking super-solider. “You are a menace,” Bucky grinned down at him before kissing his forehead. “Been hanging around Steve too much. That punk’s a bad influence.”  
  
Tony couldn’t stop the giggle that escaped him at that while Bucky walked them toward the elevators. He knew he should be complaining at being carried back inside the tower but he’d experienced worse things in life than being manhandled by a sexy Avenger, especially when he had threatened to do just that to said Avenger, so it was all good. The fact that their proximity seemed to lift Bucky’s mood was an added bonus.      
  
“He’s been giving me lessons!” Tony chirped brightly.  
  
“Oh really? Private lessons with the Sass Monster? I’m just going to have to fix that now won’t I?” Tony felt like his mouth would split from how hard he was smiling; warmth finally overtaking all the earlier dread he had felt at just hearing Bucky use an endearment for Steve that only Tony had ever used.  
  
“Uh-huh,” Tony answered, still held together in Bucky’s arms as they made their descent in the elevator down toward where Steve was waiting in the penthouse. “We could also find out how good my new-found strength is. For the sake of lessons and all that.”  
  
The answering squeeze to the engineer’s bottom made Tony giggle again. “Oh Mr. Stark, I don’t think you’ve ever had a better idea.”   
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> "I mean, it's a pretty interesting clock-tower..."


End file.
